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 Debs Dilemmas
Q. SHOULD WE DO IT?
I've been seeing my boyfriend for over six months now and he's started to suggest that we should sleep together on the night of my Debs. He has already booked a room in the hotel where the Debs is on and he keeps making little comments about it. I haven't really made up my mind about it yet. I do really love him and I would love my first time to be with him. But I feel like it's a lot of pressure for my Debs night. He's all excited about it now and I don't want to disappoint him and risk losing him. Am I over-reacting?
Sylvia (18) Dundalk
DEBBIE SAYS:
If you are not comfortable with this you have to tell him. Explain that you want to be able to relax and enjoy your last big night with your school friends at your Debs. Tell him that you won't be able to do this if you are anxious about what is going to happen later on that night. Reassure him that you want your first time to be with him another time when you are in a less pressurised environment. Chances are, that because your reasons have nothing to do with him personally, he will understand.
Besides, it is such a cliché to lose your virginity on the night of your Debs. Look at all those terrible American films from the eighties with girls in puffy dresses and bad hairdos in the back seat of a car with some nasty jock. Think of all those disaster sequences in American Pie. It is simply too much pressure - the two of you should wait for a night that can be all about you, as a couple.
However, if you decide that you want it to be that night, be smart - use protection against STIs (Sexually Transmitted Infections) and unplanned pregnancy. You don't want it to be a night you never forget for all the wrong reasons.
Q. SHE'S A MAN-EATER!
I asked a guy to the Debs who I've fancied for ages and he said yes. But I'm afraid that my best friend is going to ruin everything. She has always gone after any boy that I fancy. She goes out of her way to flirt with them and she's really pretty so I'm always afraid that they'll end up fancying her more and forget about me altogether. I really like this guy and I think that he really likes me. But I'm scared that she's going to look much sexier and prettier than me on the night of the Debs. She'll be all over him and it will completely ruin the night for me. I want this night to be perfect. What should I do?
Anna (17) Dublin
DEBBIE SAYS:
In a friendship between two girls the thin line between love and hate will be crossed many times. No matter how much we want to support each other, many of the best friendships have fallen asunder over men. I am sure you both have the best laughs together and that this is the one major flaw in what is otherwise a gem of a friendship.
Despite how it seems to you right now, this girl is insecure. When it comes to men, it is all a competition to her and your friendship is pushed to the side. She lacks confidence in her own choices when it comes to men and she is using you as a compass to point her in the right direction. It is probably the result of some deep-seated childhood problem - but right now, who cares? We are trying to solve your problems, not hers.
You need to have it out with her before the Debs so you can relax on the night - no girl looks her best in the midst of a jealous rage! Avoid going in with all guns blazing but emphasise that you really like this guy and that this night with him means a lot to you. If she goes ahead and bats her eyelashes, set her straight with some seriously frosty looks and some strategic seating at the dinner table.
But your biggest problem here is not your friend - it is your lack of confidence. This guy is going to the Debs with you for a reason - you must be doing something right. You have no control over your friend's actions but you can control your own - laugh, joke, dance and relax. Be kind to yourself - presume that he likes you more and that you aren't that easy to walk away from.
Q. HE'S COMING ON TOO STRONG!
My best friend's brother asked me to go to his Debs with him and I said yes. I've known him for years and I figured we'd have a good laugh at it. But ever since I said yes he's been acting really weird. I thought I'd made it clear that we were going as friends but I'm starting to think he got the wrong idea. I'm really not comfortable going if he thinks anything is going to happen between us but I know my friend will be really annoyed if I cancel. How can I get out of it?
Colette (16) Laois
DEBBIE SAYS:
With your best friend's help you should have no problem sorting this mess out. You need to tell her about your concerns. Explain that you really want to go to her brother's Debs, but that you don't want to hurt his feelings and ruin his night by refusing his advances. Ask her to speak to him and tell him that he needs to back off. If he continues to make you feel uncomfortable your friend will understand that it is his own fault and you have to cancel.
Q. DRESS-MAKING PRESSURE!
When my boyfriend asked me to his Debs his mum offered to make my dress. She's a really good dressmaker and she's made loads of bridesmaid and Debs dresses before. She's doing it as a present so it'll save me a fortune but she's started to get a bit bossy about the design. She won't make the corset as tight or as low as I want and the skirt has nowhere near enough volume. The dress is starting to
look really dowdy and I'm going to be too embarrassed to wear it! How can I tell her?
Sandra (17) Cavan
DEBBIE SAYS: I could tell you that it is not what you wear on the outside that counts but how you feel on the night yadda yadda yadda. But we both know that is not going to cut it. You have two options. You could be brave and tell his mum that you appreciate her help but that she needs to listen to what you want or forget about the whole thing (politely of course!). Or you can lie - buy a dress that you like, stash it away and then use it as a replacement dress when the other one is befallen by some terrible "accident" the night before the Debs.
Q. DREADING MY DEBS NIGHT
I'm really dreading going to my Debs. I hate the way I look. All the girls in my class are really thin and pretty and I am the complete opposite. It's really hard to find a dress that is nice on me and anything that does fit is like a tent. I don't want everyone to be laughing at me on the night. If I had my way I wouldn't go but my mother is so excited and I feel like I would be letting her down if I didn't go. That's only the start of my problems. I don't how I'm going to find a boy who will go with me. I'm afraid to ask anyone and time is running out. How can I get out of going - it's going to be the worst night of my life.
Caoimhe (16) Limerick
DEBBIE SAYS:
Your circumstances are not ideal but you can't run away from every daunting situation you encounter. There are ways to make this easier to cope with. Firstly - talk to your mother and ask her to back off a bit. She will be more understanding if she knows how you feel and this should ease the pressure you feel to please her.
Look for the positive in your body shape and emphasise your best parts. Try a corset-style top with a long elegant skirt - separates are great for a slimmer look. Many clothing ranges go up to larger sizes - try Designers at Debenhams. Or avoid the high street and have your dress made. Wear stunning sandals and beautiful jewellery. Never underestimate the power of tummy-control knickers and a well-fitting bra! And, above all, keep your head held high. All women have body issues but we have to learn to work with what we have.
Now for a date. Relax! You don't need to take the love of your life to your Debs. Is there a male friend that you have a laugh with? Maybe a brother's friend or a neighbour you are at ease with? And remember - there are no hard-and-fast rules these days about having a man on your arm. The whole idea is a bit fifties for today's Sex and the City culture. Be a cosmopolitan woman of the noughties and bring your best friend! Some of my school friends did this and had a far more enjoyable night than the girls who brought idiots just for the sake of it!
After your Debs you need never lay eyes on half of these people again! But you can look back with pride on the night that you faced your fear, strutted your stuff and gave it your all!
Q. SHE'S SUCH A LUSH!
For the last while, every night we go out, our friend Sarah gets ridiculously drunk. We all have to take turns minding her because we are afraid that if we don't she'll do something stupid. We don't want her to ruin our Debs by turning us all into her babysitters for the night. We'll be having a drink ourselves but Sarah just doesn't know when to stop and always ends up making herself sick. What can we do?
The Girls in 6B Cork
DEBBIE SAYS: There is one of these in every crowd. By tackling this problem too forcefully you may risk getting your friend's defences up and alienating her. This is something that you will have to have a serious chat about if you start to feel that the problem is out of control. But for the moment, introduce the topic gently.
Instead of questioning her drinking habits directly make a point of saying that you will all be taking it easy on the drink that night (assuming you are all over 18 that is!). Nobody wants to be the mess in the corner, makeup all over the place, crying, vomiting - so make a pact to look out for each other and pace your drinking on the night. If she feels this applies to the whole group she may be less defensive.
Also, I know that it is a popular strategy not to eat before you have a few drinks so that you will feel the effects quicker. However, the Debs is a long night and you don't want to end up in a state. It is much harder for your stomach to handle alcohol when there is no food to soak it up. You are likely to spend half the night bent over the toilet if you don't eat beforehand - hence the meal! Make sure your friends eat too - you don't want to spend your night holding their hair back.
If your friend ignores your advice and gets too drunk on the night you cannot abandon her. Avoid ruining your own night by becoming her "babysitter" but make sure she is not left alone and get assistance from a member of staff if you are worried about her condition.
Send your Debs Dilemmas to Debbie
Email: debbie@mydebs.com
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